The Hays Family: April 2008

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?" (This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid.We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds ---butthanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you cango ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it." (This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying.Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming sincechildhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cellphones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of somemysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on achallenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to makesacrifices.)

3. "At least he's not in Iraq." (This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands arein Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? Aninternational game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home forChristmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion,etc?"(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of thesethings. Please don't ask again.)

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?" (Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife outthere who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her.For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselveshaving to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but wedon't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep mebusy.)

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?" (This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed ornot. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" getout. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actuallylove what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/cthere is work that needs to be done.)

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it." (Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you'vegone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways tomake life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" andthe bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've beenthere before. The worry never goes away.)

8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. Itotally know what you're going through." (This one is similar to number two. Do not equate you r husband's three weektrip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to awar zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at yourhusband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call homepretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercialplane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everythingwith an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded toyou in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probablyresent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a fewweeks business trip is like comparing a shitty ford taurus with mercedesconvertible.)

9. "Wow you must miss him?" (This one also gets antoher big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There aresome wives who do not and they're now divorced.)

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?" (I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on amap, b ut they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know thatKabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is theinsurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his homearea. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is locatedbetween Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan forseven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are notsecrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day ---andon maps everywhere.)

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens overthere. (Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right tomake stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit byanything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he askedme to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)

12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!" (hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. seriously...military spouses learnquickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater thansex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing theirvoices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night.And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12months of sex deprivation.)

13. "Well in my opinion....." (Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal politicalopinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocerystore, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out withmy girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tellco-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours runningour asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids,they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues becausewe are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we soeagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we'retrying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)last but not least....

14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!" (He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative andplease take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize thatour soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)

If you want to say anything, say thank you. After all, we are sexually deprived for your freedom